You Know How I Feel
by broncomap
Summary: A conversation with a Gunsmoke fan got me thinking about Kitty's Love Affair. His views made me revisit my own. The result is this combination MM & ATC for Kitty's Love Affair.


AN: I met a man at a social event who I learned was a GS fan. We talked about several episodes and I found his perspective on Kitty's Love Affair interesting. After mulling it over I came up with this MM and ATC. It's longer than my usual 1-chapter efforts but it didn't lend itself to 2. There are quotes from the TV episode – some exact and some paraphrased. If you're not at all familiar with KLA, I'm not sure how much sense it will make!

On with the show

Kitty's Thoughts

 _You know how I feel._ With those words ringing in her ears, Kitty hurried out of Matt's office and raced home by way of the back stairs of the Long Branch. The week had been tumultuous and she needed time alone to think. She'd already informed Sam that she was taking the night off, using the excuse that business seemed slow even for a Tuesday. The craggy faced bartender had nodded with a smile, but the look of concern he'd worn for days remained. Other friends had been wearing similar looks. Seeing her around town with a man not named Matt Dillon concerned them, they were Matt's friends too. The fact that the man was a gunslinger had them worried that much more.

She slipped into her bedroom, shut the door and used both hands to squeeze the tension from the back of her neck. It was still early, but she was more than ready to get comfortable and settle in. She slipped off her shoes and opened her maple-wood closet. At the end of a long row of dresses hung 4 negligees, one lovelier than the next. Each had been a gift from Matt and held within its fibers treasured memories. She gently fingered the blue satin of her favorite and could almost feel Matt's presence. She closed her eyes and felt his arms around her, even smelled his scent. A smile started to grow on her face. She froze, snapped her eyes open and dropped the fabric like a hot ember. With a shake of her head she shut the closet and opened the bottom drawer of her dresser. A long-sleeve, white cotton nightgown was a better choice for clear-headed decision-making. That's what tonight was for. Will had invited her to dinner, but she'd turned him down to have this time to herself. Of course Will, being Will, had pressured her in his charming way.

"I hope this doesn't mean you're getting tired of me."

"Of course not, it's just I have something to take care of."

"It could be a quick meal. You have to have dinner, and you'd be surprised how fast I can eat."

"I appreciate it Will, but not tonight."

"Tomorrow then?" He smiled, "Perhaps away from the prying eyes of Dodge. Do you know of a place we could dine in private?"

She laughed, knowing exactly what he was hinting at. "All right, how about my place tomorrow at 7:00? You'll find I'm a pretty good cook."

"Fair lady, I'm waiting to find what you're not good at."

She pulled the nightgown over her head and pushed her arms into the long sleeves. In the short time she'd known Will she'd gotten used to the fact that whenever she hesitated or said no, he pressured her a bit more. It was so different from Matt. He never pressured her unless he thought she was putting herself at risk, like traveling alone to a dangerous place.

She climbed into bed and leaned back against a plump pillow in an attempt to relax. Her tension filled body made it impossible. The emotional upheaval of the past week had taken a toll.

"Russell, you can't go on like this. Decide - for your sake and for everyone else's."

Startled that she'd spoken aloud, she hugged her knees to her chest and focused on Will. He was charming, attentive and wanted to marry her. He'd gone from being a fellow stagecoach passenger, to rescuer, to serious suitor with breathtaking speed. Maybe that was because they'd connected at a unique time. He was weary of being a hired gun - moving from town to town, living in hotels, knowing no one. She was angry, hurt and worried that time might be passing her by, taking with it her chances for family and home.

Suddenly restless, she got out of bed and poured a glass of water. She downed it quickly.

 _You know how I feel._ Matt's words echoed in her head. Frustration struck hard. She grabbed the glass and was ready to throw it, but stopped herself. Throwing things wouldn't help. Matt hadn't said the word love, and she wished he had.

She sat on the side of her bed and thought hard about the word Matt hadn't spoken. Such a short word, just 4 letters, but it could mean so many things. She'd known Will for a week. He was attracted to her, cared about her and wanted to build a new life with her. That was love. With Matt there was 18 years of passion, trust and caring, not to mention blood, sweat and tears. That was love too. Love – so simple and so complex. She sighed deeply; she was getting nowhere.

Out of desperation she decided to try an experiment. She squeezed her eyes shut and pictured Matt. Then she pictured herself beside him. He looked at her. His eyes cherished and caressed her, the way they had for 18 years. She realized wistfully that she'd stopped noticing, somewhere along the way.

With her eyes still shut tight, and Matt fixed firmly in her mind, she watched herself turn to him to say goodbye, goodbye forever.

She gasped. The pain was intense and immediate. She grabbed the sides of the bed and opened her eyes to assure herself it wasn't real. Her pounding heart took minutes to quiet. She couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to leave Matt. A few seconds of imagining it had been more than enough.

 _You know how I feel_. His words echoed in her heart.

 _Yes Matt, I see it in your eyes. I feel the same way. Letting me find that for myself is another aspect of love. I'll tell Will at dinner tomorrow in a way he'll accept and understand_.

Feeling light hearted and clear headed. She smiled slightly and wondered if the life Will had envisioned would really have made him happy. 18 years as a gunslinger does not a farmer make.

She knew for sure that family and home with a man not named Matt Dillon would never make her happy. She reached over and turned out the light. Sleep came easily.

Matt's Thoughts

Matt couldn't sit still, much less concentrate on work, after Kitty left his office so he paced. Going to his room at the boarding house would be useless. Sleep had been nearly impossible all week, and tonight it would be plain impossible.

He stopped pacing and stared out the window. Kitty's visit had been a surprise. They hadn't spoken since the night she arrived in Dodge with Stambridge. She'd ended that conversation with an icy "good night Matt" outside of the Long Branch. She'd pointedly ignored him after that, but he'd seen her drive by his office with Stambridge and go around town with him. It had been more painful than a bullet in the chest – no contest.

He paced again. To make his life even more miserable, the chatter in town was that he wasn't doing his job. Problem was, folks were right. Everyone knew he had ways of making gunslingers leave town before trouble followed them. In Stambridge's case he'd done nothing. The whole town knew a gunfighter was in their midst and the marshal had not done a dang thing about it.

He shook his head and poured a cup of coffee, hitting the pot to eke out the last dregs. Stambridge had practically dared him to throw him out of town. They both knew damn well that if he that, Kitty would think it was because of her and it would push her closer to Stambridge. Badge or no badge he couldn't do it.

He took a sip of coffee. It was bitter and cold. He wished Stambridge was there so he could fling the liquid into his smirking face.

He set the cup down and stared at the spot Kitty had occupied earlier. She'd spoken almost without pause until she asked for something, "I guess what I'm asking is for you to tell me to say no to Will Stambridge."

He'd been stunned. Kitty had never wanted him, or anyone, to tell her what to do. In fact she'd always rebelled against the very idea.

"Kitty, you know how I feel, but that's a decision you have to make yourself."

"I know Matt, I know."

It was her decision; they both knew it. This was not about what he wanted or thought she should do, it was about what she wanted. His only hope was that she did know how he felt, because if she didn't he had nothing to offer her.

Will's Thoughts

Will Stambridge downed a shot of whiskey and lay down on his bed in the Dodge House. His days of hotels and lousy restaurants were coming to an end. So was the stress of being a gun for hire. He was about to begin a new life with a woman he loved.

Dinner at Kitty's tomorrow would be perfect. He'd overcome the hesitations she seemed to have about marrying him. It was all so clear. She wanted to settle down and he was ready to offer home and family. That marshal had never done that. Kitty had never fully explained why, but it didn't matter. Tomorrow she'd agree to marry him. 18 years of gun slinging would be over, and a life of peace and contentment would begin.

TWO DAYS LATER

Will

Will Stambridge stood at the bar of the Lady Lost in Wichita Kansas and ordered a beer. The alcohol would numb his throat, still sore from a tightened noose, but there was no way it would numb the sting of Kitty's rejection. How the hell did everything go downhill so quickly? A pleasant dinner was interrupted by an absurd accusation of murder, then a lynch mob almost succeeded in hanging him, and finally that marshal walked him to the hotel and, as if he was a child, told him to stay in his room.

Early the next morning he was delighted to see Kitty outside his door; that is until she spoke.

"Will, I am honored and flattered. I care for you and will always be grateful, but it would be unfair to put off giving you an answer. I am saying no.

He smiled, "No is a blunt word. Are you sure you don't mean maybe?"

"I'm sorry Will."

"What about family and home? I'm ready to give you those things." He heard a whine in his own voice.

"Will, there are things that can't be. I don't know what my future holds, but I have hope that I'll have all of the things I want."

"Kitty, can I ask if you decided this before the lynch mob last night."

"Yes, I had planned to tell you at dinner.

Will sipped his beer and sighed. What Kitty was saying was that any life with Dillon was better than anything he could offer her. That was a bitter pill.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shapely blond sashay his way.

"Hello handsome, I hate to see a man drink alone. Buy me a beer and we'll get to know one another." The woman was young and pretty, maybe even beautiful, but her smile was fake and her eyes vacant. Kitty Russell had shown him what a real woman was.

"No thanks." He took his beer to the other end of the bar. Two cowboys were mid-conversation.

"Dave, the short of it is, the marshal finding that horse thief saved me from ruin."

"Glad it worked out. I figure we're covered real good with Dillon being marshal."

Will chugged his beer and left the saloon. He didn't need a reminder of what Dillon could do, he didn't even like to remember the man had saved his life.

He headed for the railroad depot. Traveling east felt right. He'd start a new life, or at least make changes. Last night's lynch mob had shown him that you can't shed your past just because you want to. For better or worse, being a gunslinger for 18 years was part of him. The consequences of his gun fighting years might diminish over time, but they'd never disappear. He had to accept that.

Kitty & Matt

Kitty's fingers drew circles on Matt's chest and he gently massaged her thigh. Their love-making had been hotly passionate but sweetened by a love that had been ripened by time.

Matt turned onto his side and pulled her close. She nuzzled into his chest. Earlier they'd talked about what had happened and why, what he or she could have said or done differently and even what their future might hold. They'd talked so long and deeply that even she thought there was nothing left to say.

She looked into his clear blue eyes and was warmed to her core. She started to tell him that she loved him, but paused. Instead she whispered in his ear, "Matt, you know how I feel."

He stroked the back of her head and smiled crookedly. "Yes, and I feel the same way."

They drifted off to sleep in each other's arms. It was where they belonged

The end.


End file.
